have you ever felt the depression coming?

have you ever heard something that suddenly, it hit you how forboding and sad it really was? the other half has been loading my iPod up with various songs that he and i both love and it finally hit me...there's this band that you've never heard of, gwenmars. the song is "she hung the moon" ...notice the past tense. it's about being madly in love with someone and losing them. the reason for the loss is rather ambiguous but i realised today how forboding/forshadowing it makes me feel when i hear it. it's a beautiful song and i love it a lot, but i realise that every single time i hear it i feel the same way in the back of my head. depressed and cramped for time.

i suppose i'm probably mildly paranoid due to nearby circumstances but still...i'm scared to death of losing all the things that i've finally acheived in my life, however meager because they are what gives me shape. i suppose this intraspective makes sense when i consider my current project, however feable it may be. for those of you who could use a good laugh...i'm working on a sort of fairytale but it's more aimed at adults situationally...i'm not sure why i thought this was a good idea...i started it 4 years ago and never went back to it. i have to subject myself to a million crappy memories and recall a million crappy days so that might just be the root of the evil that has descended upon my mind...i don't know though...maybe not.

i've always been prone to rounds of depression but i hide it...no one wants to fucking hear it anyway and that's all good. who wants to be having a decent day and then be brought down for reasons that aren't their own? the less i discuss it, the less it effects the day to day with others. it is rather embarassing when i consider it...why the hell can't i just be a happy little twat like the rest of the sheeple? i suppose it's the curse of trying to be deeper than a petrie dish...HA!

i've been discussing my short comings where my writing is concerned with my best friend a lot lately. he's such a sweetheart about it, trying to make me stay positive and being encouraging and the like. that must be quite a feat!!! i certainly try to believe and be hopeful too, but i also still have that desperate fear that it's all for naught. it wouldn't surprise me, seeing as how i can't walk through an office supply store without buying a new notebook...i figure this is probably going to turn out to be a pipe-dream! i can hope otherwise, but hope in one hand and spit in the other and i'll bet you'll have to wash the other hand off first...

it isn't surprising really...i have a hard time hanging on to the things that mean the most to me, which is how i got into this mess. i let other people infringe upon that part of me when i let them take over my life...i fell out of practise and now that my life and my mind belong to me again the hinges are all rusty and the air is stale. it's like cracking open a ship that's been afloat for 25 years and finally run ashore...cobwebs and dust and the faint feeling like something used to inhabit this place.

wow...have you met my friend mel? o'dramatic i believe is the last name...ha!

i feel so terrible sitting here feeling sorry for myself when there are people out there with real problems to work through. what the hell good am i to them? in a word...naught!!!

here's an illustration for you, if you care to listen any further...when i started this thing (how long ago...look it up, it's pathetic) i intended to at least write once a week or so...and in the grand scheme of the cosmos, i believe this is my 10th post...WOW...not much to get excited about there. there are crappy day time talk show hosts that write more often than i do!!!

well, piss on it for now. i've ranted and moaned and complained enough to make myself vomit from the senselessness of it so i bid you all farewell and a promise to try to write more often since i've recently found out that some of you weirdos read this pointless thing.

peace.

phoenix